Holy cow…the last few days have been a whirlwind of activity!

Friday was so busy that it passed in a blur; work, kids, packing, a quick trip to the mall and fun. Anthony sent me flowers and I really needed them. It was a tough, stressful week. How did he know that? Either he has emotional radar or he inferred it from the stress-filled emails I sent him:)

Last week I suggested to our family readiness coordinator, whose husband is also deployed, that we should set up some form of communication network to offer each other support. It is very different when you are part of a Guard unit that is deployed. There is no base community; we are all spread out. For the most part we are on our own. The base tries to offer help if we need it, but it’s not the same. I felt we could do more and Terri agreed. Our little community is starting to grow and I am feeling the camaraderie already. A few of us got together for an evening of Zumba, food and conversation Friday evening and it was a much needed break for all of us. I will not be sharing pictures of that!

Saturday I had to get up very early to see Elijah off on his trip to grandpa’s house. It will be very good for him to get away and it will give me a break as well. Still, after he left I was filled with a profound sadness. When the other kids aren’t here he is my companion and distraction and I realize that I have come to rely on him to emotionally sustain me. The other kids are older and do not require as much “mothering.” He gives me a purpose and keeps me from being tempted to sink into despair. He also is a crutch to force me to take care of myself. I have to stop for meals, take breaks, go outside and keep to a schedule. I did not fully comprehend the extent to which I was mentally dependent on his needing me. He tends to be protective of me and worries about leaving me. That is not ok. I am the parent and I take care of him; not the other way around. I think in more ways than one this week will be beneficial for both of us.

Sunday was another continuous blur of activity. Sometimes I wonder why I choose busyness over rest and if I will ever be able to change that pattern of behavior. Perhaps someday, but probably not right now, because my constant busyness a form of solace and mental distraction. When I am focusing on what must be done, I don’t have time or energy to focus on the emotional turmoil that is going on inside. If I work myself hard enough, then I can keep myself from dwelling on the anticipation of protracted loneliness. It isn’t so much the prospect of months alone, but the realization that we will have to do it again in another three years or so.  The idea that this experience will be repeated over and over again for the next 20 years is just too overwhelming to comprehend. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this….but of course I have to and I just can’t think about that right now.  My to-do list is completed and I even remember to water the plants, empty the dehumidifier and treat the pool. What I do not do is sit in my chair, read a book, go for a walk, have a cup of tea, take a bath or even crack open my  beloved Sunday newspaper. I have had an incredibly productive weekend, but I feel as though I have taken two steps backward.