Tag Archives | sleep

Anticipation and Anxiety

By on January 11, 2011 in Change, Deployment, Emotions

It feels as though life is just going on as usual, but my slide back into insomnia reveals that the anxiety has increased in the under currents of my mind.  I can’t seem to settle…into anything. My mind alternately races and wanders, both making it nearly impossible to focus on anything; to sleep, to relax, to work or to play. I oscillate between anxiously anticipating Anthony’s return, being afraid to raise my hopes too high and feeling that somehow there is something I need to do to prepare.

What is missing? What is the worry that is plaguing me? I have cleared out his drawer in the bathroom and cleaned off a shelf in the closet. What have I missed? Nothing really needs to be done to prepare for his return. He doesn’t expect and would not want a fancy homecoming party or big fuss; it’s not his way. I have cleaned his car and filled his cookie jar. I have started thinking about food and supplies I’ll need to stock; some things I haven’t purchased in 7 months, but much of that can wait until he returns.

Maybe it’s mental preparation that worries me. I honestly feel that we are in a very good place relationship wise. We have continued to share and discuss our feelings and concerns throughout our separation and I think have done a much better job of maintaining our marriage than in the past.  And yet, in many ways my husband is a stranger or more accurately like an old friend that I’ll have to relearn and reconnect with. We have made every attempt to include him in our daily lives via email and Skype, but it’s not the same. In some aspects he will be an outsider to our new reality, our adapted routine of existence. We can’t avoid the reality that things will have changed, numerous little things that we probably aren’t even aware of.

Our lives are not stagnant, but perpetually in fluid motion, unlike, I suspect, the frozen snapshot he has carried with him. Changes though gradual and imperceptible to us, will be visible to him. My hair may be a little different; my body too will have altered. Elijah has grown and matured his body changing as he nears puberty. Alex is more of a young woman now than the girl he left. Daniel and Caitlin have grown into themselves and are fully adults now. Our home will have subtle changes, our routines maybe not so subtle. Little things; new sheets and pillows to sleep on, knick knacks, pictures and books shifted, dinner later and with some new foods. He’ll say that none of this matters and it’s true, it doesn’t. But that doesn’t make it go away.

I wonder, am I more worried about him adjusting to us or about us adjusting to him? The truth…probably both.

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Approaching Burnout – Time for a Breather

By on November 23, 2010 in Deployment, Emotions, Stress

I am officially approaching burnout and it is a scary place to be. I decide right then and there that I need to step back a few paces and get some semblance of balance and order back or I will be over the edge in a place that I am unable to return from. I can see the possibility of sliding into depression and the prospect of taking to my bed for the next 2 months is sickeningly inviting. I refuse to go there. I know I need to pull myself together. I have children depending on me, a job to do, family and friends to take care of and a house to steward. For the first time in well…ever, I have absolutely no desire to celebrate Christmas or partake in any holiday festivities. Even the last time Anthony was deployed, the same year my father had died, although my heart was shattered, I still felt some solace and comfort in the meaning of the season and some sense of wonder, especially through my children’s eye. Not this year, nothing. No Christmas trees, no shopping, no baking, I could care less. It only feels like a supreme burden to take part and the thought of the planning, the decorating and the festive spirit that usually thrill me fill me with a dark and empty dread. That is scary even to me as I think those thoughts.

Some action is necessary and to that end I decide right now to take some time off from work this week to get my head back in the game, some sleep and self-care under my belt and transform my home back into the place of comfort and strength that I so crave. Something needs to give and so it must be work…

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Mixed Up Priorities

By on September 28, 2010 in Deployment, Stress

A could not sleep once again, but I can’t seem to pinpoint the reason. I get up shortly after 6AM, which if we’re being honest is pretty early. So why do I already feel behind? And why have I not exercised, showered or ate lunch at 2PM? What strikes me as I am sitting here thinking about this ongoing dilemma is that those items are in reality should be at the top of the list. Why am I constantly pushing them down on my priority list? I could argue that I don’t do it on purpose, but I am wise enough and aware enough by now to know that at least under the surface everything we do is a choice or at least intentional neglect. The question is why. I do not know the answer, but I do know that the answer is bigger than just my husband is deployed.

Anyway, it’s another busy, though not hectic day of work. I have yet to get a handle on this juggling act. I keep dropping too many balls and it is very frustrating.  I finally get to sweep the garage, catch up on laundry and de-cobweb the basement. The children decide to go watch a soccer game under the lights at school. I am ecstatic, partly because I like for them to be a little more social and active with their friends and also I get the house to myself for a blessed 2 hours. I am grabbing the opportunity to sit in a chair and read something from the stack of books that are waiting before it slips through my fingers.

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