It feels as though life is just going on as usual, but my slide back into insomnia reveals that the anxiety has increased in the under currents of my mind. I can’t seem to settle…into anything. My mind alternately races and wanders, both making it nearly impossible to focus on anything; to sleep, to relax, to work or to play. I oscillate between anxiously anticipating Anthony’s return, being afraid to raise my hopes too high and feeling that somehow there is something I need to do to prepare.
What is missing? What is the worry that is plaguing me? I have cleared out his drawer in the bathroom and cleaned off a shelf in the closet. What have I missed? Nothing really needs to be done to prepare for his return. He doesn’t expect and would not want a fancy homecoming party or big fuss; it’s not his way. I have cleaned his car and filled his cookie jar. I have started thinking about food and supplies I’ll need to stock; some things I haven’t purchased in 7 months, but much of that can wait until he returns.
Maybe it’s mental preparation that worries me. I honestly feel that we are in a very good place relationship wise. We have continued to share and discuss our feelings and concerns throughout our separation and I think have done a much better job of maintaining our marriage than in the past. And yet, in many ways my husband is a stranger or more accurately like an old friend that I’ll have to relearn and reconnect with. We have made every attempt to include him in our daily lives via email and Skype, but it’s not the same. In some aspects he will be an outsider to our new reality, our adapted routine of existence. We can’t avoid the reality that things will have changed, numerous little things that we probably aren’t even aware of.
Our lives are not stagnant, but perpetually in fluid motion, unlike, I suspect, the frozen snapshot he has carried with him. Changes though gradual and imperceptible to us, will be visible to him. My hair may be a little different; my body too will have altered. Elijah has grown and matured his body changing as he nears puberty. Alex is more of a young woman now than the girl he left. Daniel and Caitlin have grown into themselves and are fully adults now. Our home will have subtle changes, our routines maybe not so subtle. Little things; new sheets and pillows to sleep on, knick knacks, pictures and books shifted, dinner later and with some new foods. He’ll say that none of this matters and it’s true, it doesn’t. But that doesn’t make it go away.
I wonder, am I more worried about him adjusting to us or about us adjusting to him? The truth…probably both.
Find me!