Tag Archives | lessons learned

Love Lessons

By on October 18, 2010 in Celebrations, Deployment, Emotions, Marriage

Happy anniversary to me! Today is my wedding anniversary; not that that would normally be of any interest to the general public. I have decided to share my lesson anyway. One would think that perhaps celebrating my wedding anniversary while my cherished spouse sits in the middle of a war zone over 7,000 miles away would be a difficult, even depressing event. Actually so did I, but no…not really.

Perhaps the most surprising lesson I have learned from my husband’s military deployment is that real, mature love does not depend on proximity, physical affection or time spent together. I know many military spouses experience a disconnect and feel an emotional distance that goes along with the physical absence, but that is just not my reality. For me, love is about a shared vision of life and mutual respect, trust and devotion that transcends any distance. I make it sound easy. It’s not. It’s darn difficult at times, but isn’t that what demonstrates the strength of something? It’s ability to withstand challenges. It takes effort, commitment and generosity of spirit. Anything worthwhile does.

My best anniversary gift is the awareness that love is not about pop culture ideals and platitudes; “Out of sight out of mind,” “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” or “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” True and lasting love of any kind, marriage, friendship or family is about commitment to something greater than ourselves that in turn feeds us individually.

My words of wisdom to newlyweds and those in the fresh bloom of love: Reflecting back on “for better or for worse,” I have found anybody can do better, but that the true depth and gift of love is found in those times of “worse.” Nobody ever said love would be easy, but isn’t it grand!

Happy Anniversary

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Month 3 Lessons Learned

By on October 1, 2010 in Change, Deployment

I just realized that it has been 3 months already since Anthony left. I hesitate to say that I don’t know where the time went, because I do. It went to work, kids, home maintenance, family and volunteer commitments, worry and sleepless nights. Some of my time consumers are getting better; some worse. As the journey continues I continue to stretch and grow and learn along the way.

Month 3 Lessons learned

You can do so much more than you thought possible – This month I have had many firsts and am ever amazed at the expanding limits of my capacity. Without my husband to lean on, I have learned my way around a caulk gun, helped to close the pool for the season, successfully opened the fireplace while managing not to blow up our house, negotiated more car repair visits than I would like and helped my mom ready her home for sale. Who knew?

You cannot do as much as you think you can – In a seemingly direct contradiction of my first lesson comes the second one. Projects will take longer than expected, obstacles will arise and demands on your time and attention will test your limits when you can least afford it. You can’t do and be everything for everyone without losing yourself in the shuffle. I have found that when juggling competing needs, my time, my health and my care are the first to be overlooked. That can only lead to burnout.

For the month of October, which also happens to contain my birthday, I am renewing my commitment to me. I need the reminder that I am the central force and touchstone of our family unit right now and just like the crash scenario on the airplane, I need the oxygen mask first.

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Month Two – I am So Much More

By on September 1, 2010 in Change, Deployment

Two months down already. Time is whizzing by it seems. We are at day 63 since my husband left for Afghanistan, and closing in on a third of the way done. This month has been filled with excitement, a bit of drama, vacation, new experiences and some frustrations. As I am finally settling into my deployment period routine the nights are getting earlier (though not early enough yet,) the sleep is getting better (though not good enough yet,) the task list is still long, some chores still get pushed aside and the tears are now few and far between. I have learned to rely on others and to reach out to my network of support to maintain my sanity and keep my life from falling apart.

Lessons Learned:

  • Be open to support from wherever and whomever it comes -You never know when you will meet you next friend or gain your next inspiration.
  • Know who to ask for what – Identify (at least in your mind) who will give you emotional support, who is your shoulder to cry on, you ear to vent in, who will offer sound advice, who will offer practical wisdom and think about the details, who can give recommendations and who can do repairs. This brings to mind the familiar saying, “Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.” Do not expect gushing support from your reserved details person and don’t expect a detailed action plan from your overly empathetic person.
  • Keep your sense of humor – Life is so much easier when you laugh (even at yourself.) Don’t take life so seriously. Stuff happens, plans get derailed, things break, dogs throw up, your pool turns green, you get stuck in the ditch the first night of your vacation or maybe those things just happen to me…but at least I can still laugh at them.
  • You will have to disappoint some people – You can’t accommodate all requests for your time and attention even if you are Supermom. Don’t feel guilty about telling your kids that you can’t take them somewhere, buy them something or entertain them. Don’t feel bad if you need to take time off from work so that you can get appointments and errands done or to take a much needed break. Be honest if you don’t have time to take on that volunteer project or a new assignment at work. Yes, needing to spend time with my family and take care of my home are valid commitments.
  • Guard your time – I have become a ferocious hoarder and protector of my time. No, I won’t attend a meeting on the nights I am scheduled to Skype my husband. Yes, I do need to get my haircut, have an occasional massage and take time for exercise. Just because I work from home does not mean that I am available all day for taxi service or unnecessary phone calls or Facebook chats.

    • Once again this month I have discovered that by stretching just a bit beyond my comfort zone I can experience some wonderful new things. I can do more, have more and be more than I ever could have envisioned. Perhaps my biggest lesson learned this month is that I am already capable of so much more than I thought possible. I wonder what other treasures lie still inside that I have yet to unearth. Life is full of exciting possibilities…

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