Tag Archives | humor

3 Reasons Your Should Never Listen to Granny

My grandmothers actually didn’t impart any wisdom to me. I always wanted one that did. Other kids had them and I want to be a wise old granny someday. I’m practicing now and gathering my no-fail pearls of wisdom.

Irene Ryan

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Don’t get your panties in a twist – First, is that even possible? And who would ever want to do that? My wisdom – Just go buy a thong if you want to torture yourself.

Don’t cry over spilled milk – Why does it have to be milk? Does that mean we can cry over spilled water or juice? My wisdom – It’s perfectly reasonable to cry over spilled wine when it’s on your favorite blouse; otherwise break out the paper towels and let it go.

I hesitate to even mention the clean underwear fallacy – If you have an emergency, the last thing you should be worried about is your underwear! My wisdom – Just make sure your panties aren’t twisted as above and always carry your health insurance card.

On the other hand…

Grandpa always said – Don’t eat yellow snow – Now there’s some sage wisdom…

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Darn That Predictive Text

Sometimes we just need a good laugh…and boy did I get one. Thought I’d share!

Warning: Might Offend Sensitive Readers…But I Couldn’t Resist

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Happy birthday to me!

Candles spell out the traditional English birt...

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As a very self-indulgent birthday gift to myself, I’m going to share my favorite poem of all time.

Happy birthday to me! 

I have a beautifully framed version of this poem sitting on my bookshelf, given to me by a dear friend, that I look at every day to remind myself to be thankful for each day I am given. In the spirit of gratitude I’d like to share it with you.

If I Had My Life To Live Over

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television – and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love you’s”.. More “I’m sorrys” …

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it … live it…and never give it back.

© Erma Bombeck

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