Tag Archives | grief

Moving Day for Mom

By on October 25, 2010 in Change, Deployment, Emotions

Yesterday was moving day for my mom. I had been dreading it day for weeks, because I knew how incredibly difficult it was going to be, but physically and mentally. Along with my sister and her husband, several neighbors come to help and most importantly a very old friend from childhood brings a large farm tractor to lower the upstairs furniture off the deck. One of the difficult aspects of having a raised ranch with a split stairway is that you cannot maneuver large furniture items down the stairs. We have to remove a section of the deck and carry all the big stuff out and load it into the tractor bucket and take it down. It’s quite ingenious actually; sort of like a country style elevator. It might sound funny and definitely looks odd to spectators, but it worked. You have to love the small town country can do attitude.

It all hits me as I hug the man that I have known since kindergarten, but only see once every 10 years at our class reunion. Life is about connections, relationships and generosity of spirit.

It’s also about change and acceptance. The feelings of loss and sadness were never far from the surface as we moved the accumulation of some 4o years of a marriage out of the home that my father built; the home where I held his hand as he drew his last breath. The barrage of feelings are nearly too intense to subdue, but there is work to be done and life must go forward. My mother sleeps under a new roof, without the security blanket of those familiar surroundings that hold comforting memories. My heart aches for her and neither one of us has our husbands to hold us and tell us that everything will be all right. I miss Anthony terribly. I’m frustrated that he could not be here to help, to comfort and to take charge. We are managing without him, but it is a constant battle.

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Swirling Emotions

By on September 24, 2010 in Deployment, Emotions

Whew. Today is a swirling mass of emotions that threaten at times to overwhelm. I am so full of feelings that I don’t quite know what to do with them all. I wake today full of sadness, expectation and anxiety. Today would have been my father’s birthday if we had not lost him to cancer. It is always accompanied by an underlying sadness that permeates the entire day. Yet there is joy and gratitude for years past, memories made, time spent and lessons learned. Today, more than anything I feel strength; strength to persevere, confidence to succeed and encouragement to live life to its fullest. I spend a few minutes quietly reflecting and then write my post for The Gratitude Site. It helps to share both my pain and joy. I am extremely rushed this morning, because I have to be in Syracuse by 8AM for a full day of meeting with colleagues. I always look forward to spending the day with a team that energizes and supports me, but at the same time I feel anxiety, because of the commute and the expectations.

The day goes well and I gather support and energy from surrounding myself with those who support and encourage me. Today the company has chosen to salute the military, offer genuine support to me and sign a pledge to support ESGR and USERRA to honor National Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve Week.

Eyes are glistening and my heart swells with gratitude and a sense of belonging that comforts me in a way I cannot begin to explain. We proceed with the day as usual. It’s work, fun, learning and sharing. Always uplifting and exhausting at the same time. As is tradition we all offer parting thoughts in wrapping the day. I offer thanks and genuine appreciation to be a part of something that is more than work, but is akin to an extended family. I know how rare this is in the business world and I am touched by the friendship and support I feel in the room. I cannot hold back the tears and instead of being made to feel unprofessional by allowing my emotions to overwhelm me, they cry with me.

Anne Messenger of Messenger Associates signs ESGR support pledge

Today was a difficult emotional day for me, but I end it with a load that feels a little lighter, a heart that is ready to overflow and a well of strength that is deeper than I ever could have imagined.

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A Sad Anniversary is Hard

By on July 19, 2010 in Deployment, Emotions, Stress

Today was both sorrowful and triumphant; a swirl of desperate emotions that threatened to overwhelm, but instead encouraged in an odd and unexpected way.  Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. It has been 4 years now and in a detached way, I am curious to see how the day unfolds. Will it be absolutely awful or less painful than previous years? I feel some guilt that I am moving on with my day, with my life in fact, but that is what must be done.

Work is a bit hurried and stressful today. I am increasingly having trouble juggling my responsibilities, clients and work. I just keep thinking that if I could plan out my days in a more efficient fashion, it would all get done. I am a productivity expert after all; I should be able to figure it out. My morning work runs late, a client cancels and I just decide I need to escape. Elijah and I go to the movies for an impulsive afternoon diversion and are surprised that we enjoy ourselves tremendously. I chat with my sister and have a brief visit with my mom before I am off to my evening meeting and then a stop at the cemetery on my way home.

I struggle all day with the underlying grief. I shed only a few tears, but the ache is there like a dull throbbing twinge that will not go away. I discover that instead of being shattered, I am strengthened by the memories. I am reminded once again that life is too short and that I must follow my heart and be not afraid of other’s opinions. I am feeling so emboldened that at my meeting I announce to the cemetery board that I will not be renewing my term as treasurer. I need to start slashing my commitments, because I have come to realize the awful truth that I do not have any time for me. I am getting lost in my daily shuffle and I never will find myself again if I do not stand up for myself.

I visit my father’s grave as I do frequently and this time though tears threaten, I can almost hear him say, “Atta girl. You’re going to be fine.” I reply more to myself than to him, “Yeah dad, I am.” For the first time I smile as I leave the cemetery.

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