Tag Archives | grief

The One Constant in Deployment is…Unpredictability

By on January 16, 2011 in Change, Deployment, Emotions

Perhaps the hardest part of deployment is the unpredictability and lack of control. It has now been 200 days and if I have learned anything, it’s that anything can change at any time and it often does. When that happens you have no control, no choice and no power.  Instead of spending this weekend in prep mode for my husband’s return, I spent it in frustration, anger and sorrow. On Friday I was in such good spirits anticipating a long weekend of relaxing, shopping and getting the house ready for Anthony’s homecoming. That evening he called to tell me he would be delayed for an undetermined amount of time, might be a few days or a few weeks. There is an issue with replacements and he has to remain with a few others to wait. I understand that someone has to do the job, but why him? Why do others get to leave, while he has to stay?

My initial response was a burst of anger that I assumed he had volunteered. Once I found out that was not the case I calmed down a bit and then the tears took over. A week or two may not seem like a lot. We’ve already made it nearly 7 months, what are a few more days? An eternity when you are the one sitting at home trying to hold everything together and you are already on your last thread of sanity. The look on my youngest son’s face made me furious. Not with Anthony, but with the situation and with those in command who have made decisions I do not agree with, but have no power to change.

The worst part is that while I can do nothing, I am the one who has to pick up the pieces. I made Anthony tell Elijah; I just could not do it when my anger is radiating off me in waves so thick they vibrate.  I have to tell our older children and make the phone calls to his dad and siblings and my mom. This is not easy for me, but it is part of my duty as the military spouse. I also have to comfort and sooth my children and try to make up for it. I am reminded once again that although it is my husband who took the military oath, I am forced into my part of military service by default. That is something that “civilians” often overlook and anyone considering enlisting needs to understand. An individual does not enlist; a family does.

By Saturday, I had made the phone calls and worked out most of the anger. Reaching out to other military wives for support is invaluable once again. We are a family of sorts, sisters of deployment, if you will. We gripe, we vent and then we help each other move on. It’s what we do. I am reminded once again of an earlier post where I used the term “home-front warriors.” That is what we are. We take the blows, we vent off the steam or have a momentary melt-down in my case and then we pick up the shattered pieces and move forward.

What that means for me, is that while there is an underlying sadness, an ever-present loneliness and a tinge of frustration that never goes away, I will dance with my son, laugh with my daughter, encourage my older children, make cookies, run my house, go to work and yes, even snow blow the driveway once again, because that is life. And life goes on, even during deployment.



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Conspiracy Theory of Life

By on January 8, 2011 in Change, Deployment

Some days it seems like life conspires against me. In my lucid moments I rationally concede that is not the case, but other times I entertain a conspiracy theory of life. Life lessons come when you most need them. Unfortunately that’s usually when you are least able to handle them. That may just be the order of things or maybe it’s just my overactive brain musings.

Looking back on the last deployment several years ago, dad  had just died shortly before Anthony’s departure and grandma passed away while he was gone. I was left to navigate my grief with 4 children at home and a widowed mother who lost both her husband and mother in a matter of months. I struggled with grasping these tumultuous emotions and trying to figure out what this meant for my life. What I learned was that I’ll be all right no matter what; that I can survive loss and embrace change. I started growing into myself, understanding what my life means and that there’s much more out there. I often think that had Anthony been here to lean on I might not have been broken open so totally and would not have opened my eyes so widely to a broader, deeper view of life.

Now, as I sift through the days and experiences of the last 6 months, the awareness arises that once again I have been broken open or maybe broken down and rebuilt, like scar tissue that is stronger than smooth skin. I have grown more fully into the women I want to be. I’ve finally accepted that this is the only chance I get to live today. Without my husband here my life keeps moving. I can either sit in suspended limbo feeling sorry for myself or I can step into the current and start swimming.

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Loss and Life

By on December 28, 2010 in Deployment, Emotions

We had an unexpected crisis last week. Elijah found Bob, the hamster, dead in his cage and was very upset. I know it’s just a hamster, but he is a little boy who is just starting to mature and understand the realities of life. He knows death, he remembers losing his grandpa and so he comprehends on maybe more of an adult level than he should that this is not a life altering loss. Yet, he was attached to this little creature that we spoke to and interacted with daily. He is already hurting badly and missing Anthony an incredible amount right now. He did not need another emotional blow, especially not 2 days before Christmas. So, I suggested that this might be an opportunity to rescue another little critter from the pet store and give it a good home and he grabbed on fiercely. I am torn that I may be sending him the wrong message that pets are easily replaced or that he should get over it by getting another, but I just feel in my heart that he needs this little companion. He needs to fill the hole of sadness that he is carrying around and if this will do it, then I will make it happen if it’s within my power.

"Hammy" the Hamster

So, priorities shifted, schedules were changed and off to the pet store we went on Christmas Eve day. He was excited and a bit nervous, and I was harried and exhausted. We chose our furry friend and while I just want to get him home and get back to last minute wrapping and baking, Elijah was lost in the moment and crazy over his little fuzzy treasure.  My son says the darnedest thing sometimes. He looked at me with shining eyes and said, “I know I’m being mushy and maybe I shouldn’t be, it’s kind of embarrassing, but isn’t he just the cutest, sweetest little thing curled into a fluffy little ball in his carrier.” I think for a moment, gather my best mother wisdom. I somehow sense that this is one of those pivotal moments in my boy’s life that shapes the man he will become and that this more than just a simple question. As a parent I am never quite sure what the right thing to say is, but I reply from my heart, “There is nothing wrong with being mushy when you care about someone or something and it’s perfectly fine to feel affection and happiness towards this little guy. Feeling is the most important thing in life and you should never be embarrassed about it.” I hope that’s the answer he needed and that someday my boy will make someone a loving, caring husband and father. For now, he will be a devoted hamster owner with huge heart and that is enough for any mother to ask for.

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