I am still struggling to fall asleep again. The bed feels so big, so empty. I’m not sure where this is coming from. I have been sleeping alone for months now. Perhaps the anticipation of sharing it again has opened the fears and longing that I have pushed down. I chance a peak in the mirror and am appalled that I have failed to reach any of the fitness goals I had set. I am critical and anxious and uncertain. I know that is part of the emotional baggage that comes with separation, but it feels real nonetheless.

Yesterday I had Coffee with a friend and a visit from my oldest son, Dan and his girlfriend Liz. That always lifts my spirits. Both were an unexpected and welcome surprise. Later in the evening, while the older kids entertain Elijah, I was able to catch up on some writing, making up for the time I lost that morning. It’s wonderful to get a respite from putting on my happy face for him and trying not to feel guilty because I have work to do. Guilt is the bane of my existence. Guilty when I am working and guilty when I am in family mode. The regular mother guilt is magnified while Anthony is gone because I also have to make up for his absence and it wears on me all the time.

Related articles

• Guilt (ellenlanger.com)
• the chronically guilty syndrome (phylor.wordpress.com)
• Dealing with Guilt: Part One (socyberty.com)