Today was both sorrowful and triumphant; a swirl of desperate emotions that threatened to overwhelm, but instead encouraged in an odd and unexpected way.  Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. It has been 4 years now and in a detached way, I am curious to see how the day unfolds. Will it be absolutely awful or less painful than previous years? I feel some guilt that I am moving on with my day, with my life in fact, but that is what must be done.

Work is a bit hurried and stressful today. I am increasingly having trouble juggling my responsibilities, clients and work. I just keep thinking that if I could plan out my days in a more efficient fashion, it would all get done. I am a productivity expert after all; I should be able to figure it out. My morning work runs late, a client cancels and I just decide I need to escape. Elijah and I go to the movies for an impulsive afternoon diversion and are surprised that we enjoy ourselves tremendously. I chat with my sister and have a brief visit with my mom before I am off to my evening meeting and then a stop at the cemetery on my way home.

I struggle all day with the underlying grief. I shed only a few tears, but the ache is there like a dull throbbing twinge that will not go away. I discover that instead of being shattered, I am strengthened by the memories. I am reminded once again that life is too short and that I must follow my heart and be not afraid of other’s opinions. I am feeling so emboldened that at my meeting I announce to the cemetery board that I will not be renewing my term as treasurer. I need to start slashing my commitments, because I have come to realize the awful truth that I do not have any time for me. I am getting lost in my daily shuffle and I never will find myself again if I do not stand up for myself.

I visit my father’s grave as I do frequently and this time though tears threaten, I can almost hear him say, “Atta girl. You’re going to be fine.” I reply more to myself than to him, “Yeah dad, I am.” For the first time I smile as I leave the cemetery.