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The life of a military wife can be extremely difficult to describe, especially to the 99% of Americans who aren’t living it. It is lonely, stressful, and often unpredictable. We live in an altered reality, are married to a different breed of spouse and we face challenges that most cannot begin to imagine.

Moreover, in all honesty if our soldier is part of a Guard or Reserve unit, the reality is even starker.

I have frequently been asked by both new military spouses and curious civilians what it’s like.

Here is my short answer:

• We live a lonely and solitary life when our soldiers are deployed.
• We are a bit apart; our lifestyle is not like other families.
• Though there is a modicum of empathy, very few truly understand unless they have experienced it.
• When our soldier is part of a Guard or Reserve unit, there is no military community to offer support.
• We endure long periods of separation and the strain that puts on our marriages.
• We are single parents for months at a time, trying to juggle responsibilities alone.
• If there are children, we often need to be in several places at once, and that is not always possible.
• We shoulder an incredible amount of guilt, because we can’t be all things to all people; events are missed, commitments slide and things fall through the cracks.
• Many of us must face financial hardships, because frequently the military pay is less than the civilian job that is left behind.
• The threat of deployment is always in the back of our minds. Will he have to go again, when and for how long?
• When our soldier is gone, there remains an underlying fear for his safety; no base in the war zone is completely secure.
• We are at the mercy of the decisions of our government and have very little control.
• We know that we are just one crisis away from losing the tenuous hold we have on our sanity.
• We hide that fear from our children and our soldier, because they need assurance, not doubt.
• We must maintain and nurture a marriage under strain from thousands of mile away.
• We must subsist on infrequent phone calls and if we’re lucky email and possibly Skype, (though internet is spotty and often unreliable.)
• We are glad when our spouse only has to go away for a month or two, thinking it’s no big deal (how bizarre is that?)
• We mourn the loss of physical contact and go to bed alone every night.
• There are those in our country who denigrate and disrespect what our soldiers are doing.
• The vast majority have apathy and a general lack of interest in our difficulties. There may be compassion, but very few tangible offers of assistance.

Perhaps the most baffling part, the hardest to explain, is that we usually do this willingly. There is no military draft, we volunteer for this life. We support our soldier’s need to serve and protect, and help those who cannot help themselves. We are compelled by a sense of responsibility, a compulsion to stand up for what we believe in.

As a military spouse, we must question if the choice is worth the sacrifice…and usually the answer is yes.