The government machine is moving, working ever so slowly and the days of deployment are winding down. I have been thinking about the fact that we often seem to be at cross-purposes throughout this deployment. That is part of the devastating crisis that a deployment puts on a marriage. It is partly due to the fact that the needs and priorities of a military at war are polar opposite from the needs of the family unit. I think it’s also partly due to the innate differences between men and women. I’m clearly generalizing here, but nature is important and is at the root of many conflicts. Our needs are constantly working against each other and causing hurt and friction in relationships. This is detrimental to the solidarity and strength of both the military unit and the family unit. I have thought that if we could solve this dilemma, it would be a powerful weapon in our arsenal. A happy spouse makes for a happy soldier, which in turn makes for a stronger military force.

The problem as I have come to see it is this; generally what is good military strategy is not conducive to solid family and relationship dynamics. Who goes where, how, when and what they do etc. are all driven by; one, an overriding necessity to maintain the strongest force possible and two, a tunnel-vision need to follow a rigid set of rules and regulations. This is counter to everything we on the homefront want and need. The strongest of us who can bear the strain and perform at the highest level often carry the load for those that are…shall we say not as hard working. I get it and I even understand the rationale, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I even understand and concede the necessity of relying on the structure of strict guidelines and protocol. In the reality of war, if somebody drops the ball or cuts corners, people die. That is such a world away from how the rest of us live. We can observe how the wheels move and clearly see where just thinking outside the box and using a little creativity would yield so much better results. Alas, creativity is not a word in the military dictionary unless it’s an acronym for something. This is all so frustrating for those of us at home trying to make sense of it all. My husband always tells me, we don’t have to understand it; we just have to accept it. As you can imagine, that does not sit well with me.

When you add to this picture our innate differences, you have an even larger problem.  For the most part our guys have the need to protect us and sometimes that means censoring or withholding information about conditions on their base, the realities of life and level of danger, their emotions and travel arrangements which I admit are often ambiguous at best. We have a driving need to be informed and to try to understand and make sense of everything…even the bad parts. It helps to us to feel close to our spouses and to feel like we are a part of the “operation.” When they shield us we feel as though we are outsiders, as though our husbands are married to the military and we are the other woman. Strange, but true. Definitely cross purposes.

Even our communication is at cross purposes. Men are visual creatures stereotypically; my husband loves to Skype and needs to see me to feel connected. It often brings me pain, because I can’t touch him. I have to psych myself up for our calls and then deal with the emotional fall-out afterward. Yet, I do it because I understand it’s what he needs and I love him. He survives his part in the ordeal by looking forward;  planning our vacations, what we’ll do when he gets home, even projects he’s going to do around the house. I don’t want to think about any of that. It only upsets me. I just want to put it out of my mind and focus on what is right in front of me. There is so much to juggle in my life with the jobs, house, bills, and kids and just keeping everything afloat, that I have no mental energy left for him. It is often a brutal reminder of our separation for me, when it would be easier just to go about my day and not dwell on it.

I have concluded that surviving a military deployment intact and coming out the other end with your sanity in place and your relationship whole is less about strength and courage, though those are important, and more about commitment and perseverance. It is impossible to reconcile all of the opposing needs in the equation and so there is an ongoing conflict that cannot be resolved. The solution is in how we choose to deal with a no-win situation.

If we are doggedly committed to our marriage above all else, if we can accept our soldier’s commitment to his mission even though we may not understand it, if we can set aside our frustration long enough to see that our pain is mirrored in our warrior’s eyes, then and only then can we emerge unscathed. The key is in turning toward our mate instead of turning away as so many do. Trust in each other and resolve that you can get through this …and you will.