Tag Archives | anxiety

Not the Day I Had Planned

By on August 26, 2010 in Deployment

My day is actually going along pretty well and I have a fairly productive morning. Then I get one of those calls that every mother dreads. Daniel, my 19 year old son, has been in an accident. He lost control and rolled my sister’s car on a terribly curvy road on his way back from visiting his girlfriend. The bottom drops out of my stomach and I swear my heart stops. I’m not sure how I continue to breathe and have brain function. Miraculously he is all right, physically at least. Mentally he is a wreck. He is in shock, shaking and emotional. Who wouldn’t be? I know it’s just the adrenaline and the emotional reality that he has narrowly escaped serious injury or worse. I recognize it and can understand as I had all of the same reactions after my harrowing crash this spring. It is somehow, so much worse when it is your child though. I stay calm, offer comfort and take control of the aftermath. I make the necessary phone calls, pay the towing bill and help get the car moved to a place that won’t charge storage fees. Did I mention that my sister and her family are on vacation in North Carolina? They have not taken a vacation so long and I feel so bad about the situation, but there is nothing that can be done to change it now. The important thing is that my son is still in one piece. Now I can fall apart. I call my friend, Tanya because I frankly don’t know what else to do. Usually Anthony talks me down, takes control and comforts me but he’s not here.  I can’t even call him. I feel so frustrated right now; angry if I’m being honest. I should not have to do all of this alone, but I do…

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Date Night Via Skype

By on August 21, 2010 in Deployment, Marriage

I don’t wake up until after 7:00 and still I am exhausted. I am getting so frustrated. I am just fed up with being tired. Elijah declares that he has been staying up too late also and we make a plan to go to bed by 10 all week and take nap on Sunday afternoon. We need to start easing ourselves back into the school schedule anyway, but we’ll see if we can stick to it. Alexandra was still sleeping of course and will most likely not start getting up on her school schedule until a couple of days before school starts. I think she is excited about her senior year, but not that excited.

I actually love Saturday “cleaning day.” Cleaning and organizing is my escape from the pressures of the world. It clears my mind and allows me to focus on something neutral and devoid of emotion. That does not mean that I am happy or willing to clean up after others (at least once they have reached the age of ten or so.) I am very annoyed when I go to do laundry that the downstairs room is a wreck. I love having the older kids and their friends over, but I cannot handle one more cleaning project, especially one that should not be my responsibility. My children would be horrified and might want to disown me, but I can’t wait for school to start!

It is 2pm and I still have to clean Bob’s cage, clean the backyard and check and treat the pool. I have resigned myself that I will not get to trim the bushes today. Maybe tomorrow…

I need a break, so I am going to force myself to stop and go for my run. The full dehumidifier, dirty pets and overgrown yard will still be there when I get back. I have been so worn-out and over-extended lately that my normal exercise routine has fallen off substantially and I feel as though I have taken several giant steps backward. I end up walking a good portion of my 45 minutes and am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I need to take better care of my health, but it feels as though I have too many competing priorities.  I renew my commitment to take my vitamins, go to bed early and make time for being active. I just haven’t figured out what else I am going to lower on the priority list to make time for it.

I have been excited all day for my “virtual date night” with Anthony via Skype tonight. It will be odd since it is early morning there for him, but we are trying to do what we can to maintain our relationship connection. I am lucky that I have as much contact with him as I do, so much luckier than many other wives in my position. In fact we have had the unimaginable problem that he has more free time than I do! He works very long hours, but beyond that all he has to do is eat, sleep and exercise, while I am operating in “single mom” mode and have acquired a good portion of his duties to add to my already busy schedule. We are still trying to settle into a workable communications schedule, but we’re getting there.

It is always so much more fulfilling to be able to see him. Phone calls and email are nice, but there is something about the visual connection that is much more comforting to me. It may be that I need to see him to assure myself that he is all right, but it’s more than that. He is still my “rock” and I need that hit of security and support that I get from him; the facial expressions, the gestures, eye contact and his smile to ease my anxiety. I sort of feel guilty that I am eating cheesecake for date night while he has to make due with a half-frozen cookie, but not guilty enough not to eat it…

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Tough Day: Mini-breakdown

By on August 17, 2010 in Deployment, Emotions, Stress

I wake just as tired as when I went to bed. It was an awful night’s sleep. I have so much work to do, I’m too tired to exercise, slept later than I wanted to, and realize that there is no milk, because I never went to the store yesterday. Which means no coffee, since I must have milk and I will now have to take time this morning to go out which will put my day even further behind. I remember to start some laundry, check my email and head out.

This is the first of many interruptions today. I need to help my son get ready for college, sort out financial aid and order books; check with Caitlin to see if she got her tuition and aid settled and also see if she was able to find a car; get Alex’s senior picture proofs, decide on purchases and then pay for them (ouch) and try not to totally neglect youngest son who keeps pestering me about iPod apps and tries to spend his whole day in front of an electronic gadget instead of playing outside. I have to speak to him twice today about interrupting me while i am working. I feel so guilty about that, but it is my work and the children just forget that they can’t barge in while I am on the phone or in the middle of writing to ask me what to have for a snack!

On top of that my husband seems to need more of my attention than he does when he is home. I cannot possibly add in numerous emails to him, an hour of Skype, time to write my nightly deployment diary to send and have time left to work and manage all of the daily household tasks which have grown with his absence. I feel incredibly guilty about this, because I want nothing more than to shut out the world and absorb his attention, but it often has a price. I have yet to find a workable balance and I am frankly a mess. I have to walk the dogs in the dark tonight and never got to weed the garden or finish the laundry today. Forget about actually stepping outside to enjoy a summer day.

I can feel the overwhelm building and tonight I have my first mini break down. After the kids go to bed and I say goodnight to Anthony, I just collapse on my bed, curl into the fetal position and sob while I am overcome by anxiety and hopelessness. I can feel myself begin to hyperventilate. I just can’t handle anymore. I want to run away, but someone would come find me no doubt.

Tomorrow will be better, I hope.

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