Kind-hearted Veterans and a Family Christmas

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Elijah was so excited about going shopping with the War Veterans on Saturday morning. I’m not sure which he enjoyed more, breakfast at McDonalds or shopping with Jim, a Korean War veteran, who is part of the military veteran organization that sponsored the event. We were simply enchanted by these senior men, so kind, so gruff, and so very generous. To me they are the epitome of the American soldier, patriotic, self-sacrificing, so tough, yet so gently looking after the children left behind, still so loyal to the soldiers on the line now. It is a brotherhood and a bond that I respect and have a new appreciation for. I can’t wait until the day when my husband, my veteran, gets to take his aging body out to eat breakfast with some sad children and put a smile on their faces.

We had our “Scuderi family Christmas” Saturday evening. My in laws came in from out of town and Dan and his girlfriend joined us after work. It was so nice to get everyone together, yet I had to struggle to keep my game face on. There is a gaping hole. We talked about Anthony and tried to include him as much as possible, but his absence was always there, on each of our minds. Elijah was more affectionate than usual, clinging to his uncle and cousin especially. He is struggling I know with the motions inside of him. I think he doesn’t know what to do with them or how to express them.

I am surrounded by people who love me and still I feel so alone. Elijah wanted to stay the night and I know it will do him good to spend time with Anthony’s family. I dropped Alex off at her at her father’s and as I pull into the garage, I realize I am alone for the first time in quite some time. I am too tired to be excited by time to myself. I sigh and let my armor fall away. I am lonely and sad, beyond exhausted and overwhelmed, not sure at all that I can do this anymore.