Archive | 2010

What Does Half a Year Mean?

By on December 31, 2010 in Deployment, Health, Stress

We have now survived 6 months of deployment. I say survived, because that is about the best I can say.

2010 draws to a close and I will never be so glad to see it go. I am too tired to even think about what comes next in 2011. I usually set all these goals, make intricate plans, clear up all loose ends so that I have a clean slate, but I am just too tired.

Month 6: Lessons Learned

I have limits – Perhaps my biggest lesson of all is that I do have limits. That there is a point when I just can’t do anymore. Somehow we think we are superhuman, that we can and should be able to do everything and usually without help. We have been brainwashed with a load of feminist, societal propaganda and we are killing ourselves because of it. We are “striving” ourselves to a slow and painful death. It has nothing to do with money or material possessions, at least not for me. That has never been my drive. It’s not about having things, it’s about doing things, but it is no less damaging.

Stop and listen – We give health, self-care and listening to our bodies lip service, but are we really doing it? No. I talk about it all the time, but I don’t live it. Sleep when we’re tired, fuel ourselves with nutritious food when we’re hungry, take breaks, have fun, be gentle with ourselves and ease up on our expectations of what our bodies can do. Those are all super critical, yet I have not done any of them. And what has my body done? Tried to get my attention. And have I listened? No. Since my Anthony has been gone, I have worked myself into utter exhaustion, developed some serious health issues (significant vitamin deficiencies, an undiagnosed allergy, Renaud’s disease) and now find myself plagued with adrenal burnout, chronic pain and  underlying anxiety and melancholy. I know what my body is telling me, but I stubbornly refuse to listen. I really hate that about myself.

Enough is perfectly acceptable – Who decides what enough is? The committee of “They?” Society? The business world? Our family? Friends? No. We do. I do. I decide when something is good enough. How much time is enough? How much sleep is enough? When work is enough? What results are enough? What amount of money is enough? Maybe even how much happiness or joy is enough? What about love, how much of that is enough to give or receive? I don’t know the answers to all of those yet, but I’m working on it.

I am my own worst enemy…no big surprise there. At this time of year when we are collectively making resolutions and setting goals for the New Year, these are the things I am thinking about. No resolutions or lofty goals this year, just an intention. An intention to make peace with myself; to respect my limits, to honor and care for my body and to embrace and acknowledge what is enough for me.

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Loss and Life

By on December 28, 2010 in Deployment, Emotions

We had an unexpected crisis last week. Elijah found Bob, the hamster, dead in his cage and was very upset. I know it’s just a hamster, but he is a little boy who is just starting to mature and understand the realities of life. He knows death, he remembers losing his grandpa and so he comprehends on maybe more of an adult level than he should that this is not a life altering loss. Yet, he was attached to this little creature that we spoke to and interacted with daily. He is already hurting badly and missing Anthony an incredible amount right now. He did not need another emotional blow, especially not 2 days before Christmas. So, I suggested that this might be an opportunity to rescue another little critter from the pet store and give it a good home and he grabbed on fiercely. I am torn that I may be sending him the wrong message that pets are easily replaced or that he should get over it by getting another, but I just feel in my heart that he needs this little companion. He needs to fill the hole of sadness that he is carrying around and if this will do it, then I will make it happen if it’s within my power.

"Hammy" the Hamster

So, priorities shifted, schedules were changed and off to the pet store we went on Christmas Eve day. He was excited and a bit nervous, and I was harried and exhausted. We chose our furry friend and while I just want to get him home and get back to last minute wrapping and baking, Elijah was lost in the moment and crazy over his little fuzzy treasure.  My son says the darnedest thing sometimes. He looked at me with shining eyes and said, “I know I’m being mushy and maybe I shouldn’t be, it’s kind of embarrassing, but isn’t he just the cutest, sweetest little thing curled into a fluffy little ball in his carrier.” I think for a moment, gather my best mother wisdom. I somehow sense that this is one of those pivotal moments in my boy’s life that shapes the man he will become and that this more than just a simple question. As a parent I am never quite sure what the right thing to say is, but I reply from my heart, “There is nothing wrong with being mushy when you care about someone or something and it’s perfectly fine to feel affection and happiness towards this little guy. Feeling is the most important thing in life and you should never be embarrassed about it.” I hope that’s the answer he needed and that someday my boy will make someone a loving, caring husband and father. For now, he will be a devoted hamster owner with huge heart and that is enough for any mother to ask for.

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Happy Christmas

By on December 26, 2010 in Celebrations, Deployment

Merry Christmas to all!

It is a difficult day and season for families with a loved one who is deployed and equally devastating for the soldier in a foreign world devoid of any family connection and cheer. The world does not stop, life goes on and it is part of the challenge to make the best of a bad situation. Through the wonders of technology my husband was able to join us Christmas morning and watch the children open their gifts. It was a strange and very non-traditional celebration, but somehow it helped us feel closer to him and keep the loneliness at bay.
We celebrate with cheerfulness joy for the few members of our unit who were able to get home to be with their families and our hearts are filled with compassion for the brokenhearted. We are all in this together and somehow that makes he journey a little more bearable.

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